U mich : old news and new

So, my offer letter from University of MI came on Friday.

They offered me a 10% TA appointment, which means only about half of my tuition is covered by my graduate fellowship. After subtracting what I get paid for my teaching, I still end up with $12,700 a year in tuition; rent and living expenses are on top of that. Thankfully rent isn't California-like, but it still is a cost.

Been depressed since the show, basically; I completely destroyed my sleep schedule over the break. Mostly MUSHing and pulling all-nighters to finish things like my grading and my Analysis final. Post-performance depression = nothing new, but this is compounded by the fact that my graduation from the MFA program is imminent. I've been a wreck.

So I talked to Graham some this weekend and I think I was leaning in the direction of saying no, because there's the Kid Question to consider, and I don't want to commit to THREE more YEARS away from home, and I don't feel entirely comfortable asking him for that much of an investment in my doctorate program. And with where I am right NOW, about to lose it because of the approaching success at UCI... I don't even know if I could handle it.

G and I also discussed that maybe I few years down the road, he would be able to follow me to somewhere to study for my doctorate... so I was thinking maybe stay in the Bay Area for a couple of years and then try applying again.

And then I spent most of today's lesson talking to Dr. T., and he brought up a few good points:
- right now (when I'm phenomenally depressed, the worst I've been in roughly a decade) I am probably NOT a good judge of my own strength or capabilities.
- UM accepted only 4 people to the DMA program.
- I could go for a year, audition for Bay Area work, and take a leave of absence to come home for a year (so it's not in fact a commitment the "three more years of being even further away." Dr. T. went on leave for a year.
- Did I mention they accepted only 4 people!
- He expressed a concern that if I turned down this offer, it would prejudice them against any later application.
- It's better to say yes, and change my mind, than to say no and reduce my options. I haven't looked over the actual contract agreement / penalties for that happening, yet.

I also need to check on UM's policies for pregnancy / maternity leave.

So all of these are really valid points, that make me think I should consider accepting and giving it a try for a year. Audition in the Bay Area and maybe Socal for the 2009-10 season (places like Sac, San Jose, Long Beach) and go to UM for 2008-09, with the plan to apply for a leave of absence so I can spend a year at home. If I'm in good enough health by then to try to get pregnant, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Obviously I can't base my decision on that; for all I know I might not be *able* to get the blood chemistry in place.

So, we'll see. I talked to G today and he didn't sound thrilled, but I didn't explain all of the above because he didn't have time to talk.

It's really weird to think that I'd one of those 4 people. Those are, like, Juilliard odds.