I just visited San Antonio for the Classical Singer conference—I went this year because they had a full track of lectures about career building and business skills (Friday and Saturday were all-day affairs, and I only skipped a two hour session on young artist programs, for obvious reasons!) Met Darren Woods and Robert Mirshak, both of whom were just fantastic.  I sang a mock audition (rather badly, I just came off a cold and not singing for WAY too long) for Mirshak and Eric Trudel. They both liked the instrument... the problem being I wasn't always ON it. Bow not fully on the string, which is an "I haven't been practicing" problem.  Ya THINK? Also did a brief consultation with Cindy Sadler, who gave tons of excellent advice both in her lectures and in the consult... look for a completely revised resume and new clips soon! While I was wandering about, I also ran into Juliana Gondek (worked with her at HPAF) and we went into raptures about Peter G, my current coach, who apparently she's known since he was a whippersnapper... hired in his early 20s by Geneva Opera. So, you know, by 'whippersnapper' I mean 'genius.'

One of my absolute fave people there was Cliff Forbis, a fabulous Heldentenor who came and chatted up a couple of us while we waited for the feedback auditions. I am totally embarrassed about not recognizing his name when he introduced himself, too... note to self: learn who the important Wagnerians are, doofus. He's a fabulously friendly guy, apparently a real family man, and just... the kind of person I would love to sit down and have a beer with.

Finally got in touch with Sheri Greenawald, too--I'm hoping to schedule with her soon, for at least a hearing and referral. I *really* need a teacher to be a good pair of ears for me and work on a few technical details.

I am totally revved, now, and going home to learn a few new arias and the Foreign Princess in Rusalka. Heading to Náměšť nad Oslavou, in the Czech Republic, for the Moravian Master Class this August. And after that, Graham and I are going to spend a couple of weeks together in Europe!!! FINALLY, a vacation together!!! I plan to stay long enough to see Rusalka at the National Theatre in Prague, and maybe Trovatore in Vienna. I'm currently looking for referrals to agents I might sing for over there, as well--I think the next few months will give me the time I need to polish things up.

Must hold on to the momentum!!! And remember that I am a startup, holding a unique commodity: a voice that people love to hear. A voice that reaches out and wraps you in a warm hug. I am worth all of the time, energy and money spent on refining and perfecting my product, and there is a market for my instrument and my skills. Added life experience? Sure, I'm five or ten years older than people I'm competing with for those initial jobs... but those years and experiences give me an edge as an actor.

I just need to realize my own value, and the value of what I have... and DO IT. Robert Mirshak said a lot in one of his talks about faith: faith in one's talents, faith that you have a purpose, faith that you'll realize your goals. So much of that resonated with me--strongly enough that I started getting choked up, in his talk on Saturday.

I've been hiding way too long. From the work, from myself, from the world. I think it's time to come out.

New puppy settling in!

So, we have a new member of the family as of last Saturday! His name is Dozer--because he's a stubborn puppy and he's going to be a BIG guy. Probably bigger than Graham wanted, but he and Cinnamon hit it off so well he was clearly the right choice.

I had originally applied to adopt the smallest of these boxer mix puppies, and I drove about an hour on Saturday to go meet him and see how he and Cinnamon got along, after the app got approved. But the lady whop had him went to the wrong place, and she wasn't going to come all the way out and wouldn't be back until Sunday... and since I couldn't come back, I decided to see how Cinnamon got along with the other boys in the litter. Dozer was the second puppy she met, and within about ten seconds of sniffing they were play-bowing to each other. I took him home around 5 on Saturday, and at first he was very nervous about the new surroundings--but by late evening he was coming out of his shell and not so scared! It's been a rough week adjusting my schedule to puppy needs, but we're getting there. He and Cinnamon are playing well together, and the real miracle is this: Cinnamon's crate destruction has just CEASED. One time I even came home after a two or three hour absence and went upstairs and she was still curled up in her crate when I got there.

I'm practicing a bit, finally, and learning four or five new songs for the Schubert Institut CD.

Scholarship and grant applications didn't go so great--I did manage to get an application in for funding from the International Institute. A long shot, but since it IS related to my dissertation, I have a grain of hope. It would be nice to go to Austria and polish half my first dissertation recital with top-notch coaches and world-class Lieder singers and pianists. That wouldn't suck. I can't wait for Ana Maria to get back so we can get working and send off the CD.

CEW app went awry--they called last week, a week after Prof. Sheil sent her letter, and told me they'd received no recommendations. I still need to call them and find out if that has changed--must do it first thing Monday. The past couple of days have been busy, and I keep forgetting to do it first thing in the AM. :p Self-sabotage much?

Dogs are curled up on the couch right now, with their little rear ends together. They make a backwards S. It's adorable.

U mich : old news and new

So, my offer letter from University of MI came on Friday.

They offered me a 10% TA appointment, which means only about half of my tuition is covered by my graduate fellowship. After subtracting what I get paid for my teaching, I still end up with $12,700 a year in tuition; rent and living expenses are on top of that. Thankfully rent isn't California-like, but it still is a cost.

Been depressed since the show, basically; I completely destroyed my sleep schedule over the break. Mostly MUSHing and pulling all-nighters to finish things like my grading and my Analysis final. Post-performance depression = nothing new, but this is compounded by the fact that my graduation from the MFA program is imminent. I've been a wreck.

So I talked to Graham some this weekend and I think I was leaning in the direction of saying no, because there's the Kid Question to consider, and I don't want to commit to THREE more YEARS away from home, and I don't feel entirely comfortable asking him for that much of an investment in my doctorate program. And with where I am right NOW, about to lose it because of the approaching success at UCI... I don't even know if I could handle it.

G and I also discussed that maybe I few years down the road, he would be able to follow me to somewhere to study for my doctorate... so I was thinking maybe stay in the Bay Area for a couple of years and then try applying again.

And then I spent most of today's lesson talking to Dr. T., and he brought up a few good points:
- right now (when I'm phenomenally depressed, the worst I've been in roughly a decade) I am probably NOT a good judge of my own strength or capabilities.
- UM accepted only 4 people to the DMA program.
- I could go for a year, audition for Bay Area work, and take a leave of absence to come home for a year (so it's not in fact a commitment the "three more years of being even further away." Dr. T. went on leave for a year.
- Did I mention they accepted only 4 people!
- He expressed a concern that if I turned down this offer, it would prejudice them against any later application.
- It's better to say yes, and change my mind, than to say no and reduce my options. I haven't looked over the actual contract agreement / penalties for that happening, yet.

I also need to check on UM's policies for pregnancy / maternity leave.

So all of these are really valid points, that make me think I should consider accepting and giving it a try for a year. Audition in the Bay Area and maybe Socal for the 2009-10 season (places like Sac, San Jose, Long Beach) and go to UM for 2008-09, with the plan to apply for a leave of absence so I can spend a year at home. If I'm in good enough health by then to try to get pregnant, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Obviously I can't base my decision on that; for all I know I might not be *able* to get the blood chemistry in place.

So, we'll see. I talked to G today and he didn't sound thrilled, but I didn't explain all of the above because he didn't have time to talk.

It's really weird to think that I'd one of those 4 people. Those are, like, Juilliard odds.

Medium progress

We've had a number of blocking rehearsals working on the end of Act I, in order to present it at the NATS Winter Workshop / NOA conference. We had our performance of the scene today, and it went very well. I was surprised, given the intensity we had reached in rehearsal, at the still VERY significant jump in energy that happened once we were onstage in front of an audience.

I have a lot, a lot, a LOT of work to do on this score to ensure that the emotional crisis and fear responses don't muck with my technique. There are some spots where I really ripped at my voice today, ("get up! Get up! GET UP!") and I can't let that get to be a habit.

It's going to be a VERY busy quarter, what with grad school auditions, spiffing up website and materials, academic challenges, The Medium, and working on my recital. I have some recording to do, and I think I might just get in the habit of scheduling some recording time once every couple of months, or even whenever there's a lull; I always find myself needing recordings when my schedule is too crazy to make them.

I'm considering getting a pro graphic designer / web designer to help me with my site; I think it's worth the investment to come up with something I really like, especially since the people I'm looking at tend to write for self-maintaining (usually blog) platforms that are easy to author and modify.

I met Brian Staufenbiel today and didn't even realize it! Lots of excellent positive feedback after our run of the scene; I was pretty happy with it. Now I just need to put that much time, energy, and memory work into the REST of the opera, AND my audition arias, AND my recital repertoire--especially Knoxville!